Acknowledgement...

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Yesterday, 04:42 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: USA Posts: 266	Guys, how do you prefer your wife acknowledge the little things you do? Verbally, tit for tat, sexually? Just curious, one of the things I am working on in my marriage is acknowledging the efforts my husband is making in our marriage, and reassuring him it is not in vain, and I'm not 100% sure how to do that... sounds crazy, but just saying thank you is not enough. He says he is so happy because I have changed so much in good ways, I am the one wanting him to change now, and he is making efforts, although slow and steady and made a comment yesterday that I need to truly acknowledge and give him credit for what he does do, instead of being stuck on what he had done wrong... so I have been thinking and this is something I want to work on. I also want to make it a habit so that it is automatic and I don't take advantage of the little things ever again! KWIM? Any tips?
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Yesterday, 05:54 PM	? #3 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: USA Posts: 266
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Yesterday, 08:52 PM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: USA Posts: 266	Quote: I think to express love by using a love language that doesn?t come naturally is a bit like a toddler learning to walk. We?re sort of all fingers and thumbs or have two left feet. But if the will is there to love your spouse in the way that makes them actually feel loved then I sincerely believe that?s one of the biggest gifts a spouse can give their loved one. Otherwise they can be a bit like two ships passing in the night. Both loving each other but neither actually feeling loved. I think that?s very sad. I agree with what you said, and maybe my original post came off wrong. I have totally reaffirmed my love for my husband in many ways, he has acknowledged this, but during that time he was very distant and I brought it up, it made me insecure, etc... well fast forward and we are working on things but he says I don't acknowledge or reassure him or keep the things he does do on the front of my mind before I feel like we are back tracking. (I am the type of person who desires constant progress, and I am a leader so I do motivate) I thought the things I was doing were reassuring him, getting more creative in bed, telling him and showing him with more affection how much I love him. Getting back to dating him again and treating him like my boyfriend and flirting, etc... but I guess he wants more. So I reaffirmed it with words the other night. We did that love language thing and it was fairly evenly split down the middle he doesn't have one that sticks out as more prominent then the others... which maybe complicates our situation? I don't know. But he does feel my love, he did say that, he says I don't feel his efforts to show he loves me. (They have changed over the last year in major ways and are not as obvious or prominent but he is working on it) and so he says I need to be more acknowledging of the things he does do. I started to think about it and found things that I do appreciate that maybe I hadn't stated or whatever, but was wondering if there were maybe other creative ways to show it, tell it, let him know and give him the reassurance that I feel his efforts.
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Today, 12:06 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 3,704	It sounds like he?s resentful. Have you ever experienced resentment? I didn?t until I was 60. It can be exceedingly deep and strong feelings of dislike and anger for another person. With a total inability to forgive, even if you wanted to! Resentment is like a secretive thing. We don?t want to tell the person we?re resentful because that kind of opens us up for more hurt, for example if they?re dismissive of what we?re resentful about. So the barriers/boundaries go up by way of self protection. I think resentment is like a curse on the marriage. And as such it needs exorcising, to remove the bad effects of a frightening or upsetting event. But to remove resentment is a process. It needs honest and open communication and therefore vulnerability. It needs understanding and agreement of what happened and why and it needs apologies and forgiveness. If he is resentful until it?s exorcised you wont see the love come back into your marriage. Resentment holds love at bay and prevents it from blossoming. But most people haven?t a clue even how to make an effective, heartfelt and restorative apology! If he is resentful he?ll also be passive aggressive, those things walk hand in hand and both are exceedingly toxic. You might want to go along to MC and see if you can bring it out there.
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